The Phoenix Musings

Today marks my second year in my current job. It makes me think about time and how every moment spent in every pit stop is all about the continuous - sometimes silent, sometimes turbulent, sometimes just a steady drifting - weaving of stories for all the chapters of our lives.

Right now, I’m thinking about connecting the dots as how Steve Job’s said it in his beautiful and inspiring commencement address in 2005:

“…you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” - Steve Jobs

So how does connecting the dots work with staying in the present? It’s been said that it’s futile to look back and wasteful to jump ahead because we’re needed in the present. The here and now is the time we’re supposed to spend all our energies on.

I believe that connecting the dots is not going against staying in the here and now. Perhaps, at certain points in our lives we could take the time to connect the dots to see what kind of stories we’ve woven. Connecting the dots is like reading those chapters we’ve created and an opportunity to understand if we’re near to telling the stories of our lives the way we want it written, before we fade away.

Each of us has a story to tell the world. Time and time again we’re given a chance to ponder the stories and listen to our hearts if we’re doing ourselves justice by paying attention to our personal stories.

We could be anyone in this one big universe. We could be like a meteor streaking in one brilliant but brief haze or we could be a slow quiet fire that burns unfailingly. Regardless of the role, we each have stories waiting to be written. All it takes is an effort to appreciate the dots that helped create our stories.

I don’t think we just fade away quietly. Every story is written to touch someone. And if that happens, I think that’s when we could truly say we have lived.

I bought Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running last Sunday. I didn’t hesitate to buy it even if I’m not very familiar with his works. Somehow, I was drawn to both the title and the image of the author running printed on the book’s cover.

I was curious to know what this writer/runner would say about running. I’ve been toying about the idea of putting into words my own experience with it but I still haven’t reached that point where I’m confident enough to do it. There’s just so many intense emotions and thoughts involved.

Haruki Murakami captured the essence and poignantly translated into words something that a lot of people can either understand or imagine. It was like being there myself. It was like a shared reality. The actors, scenes, and conditions are different but there was one common ground. A passion and commitment to something that no amount of pain or suffering can stop.

There was something that he said that made me think about a lot of things. He said, “It’s not much fun to be misunderstood or criticized. But rather a painful experience that hurts people deeply.” It is a reality that no amount of idealism or hope can erase. I think there’s always a purpose to that.

In running, people don’t do it because it’s all fun. The longer the distance, the more painful it gets.And yet, despite all that, more and more people are drawn to it. I think it’s because once you get to experience being truly alone in that moment where you vividly see and feel everything, you begin to understand more of yourself.

Tagged by Mayee. Ang hirap pala nito hahaha! Di naman kasi talaga ako ma-music na tao…I think. Anyway, best effort na to
“Maglista ng 25 albums na nagkaron ng ‘profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world.’”

1. Nursery Songs from Around the World (circa 1970’s) – ayan, dead giveaway sa age ko hahaha! actually I’m not sure if that really was the title of the album. The cassette tape came with the big red box of a reading 101 type packet that was a gift from my mother. I was 4 or 5 years old. The songs came from all over the world and I can still remember most of them.

2. The Joshua Tree, U2 (1987) - mainly because I’m a U2 fan, fancied myself in love with Bono and that awesome song, With or Without You.

3. The Best of The Doors, The Doors (1973) - I love this album, wala akong maitapon sa tracklisting. Riders on the Storm, People are Strange and Hello, I Love You though top the list of my personal favorites. Used to spend time listening to the album while trying to stay awake reviewing Psych and Chem textbooks for quizzes and exams.

4. Tracy Chapman, self-titled (1988) - I associate this with some sisses. Parati kasi namin pinapakinggan. One time I remember we were just cruising in a quiet road from Magalang going back to Angeles City in Pampanga and it was just a perfect day. Clear blue skies and verdant green fields around us. Mareng Tracy was crooning inside the car. And I remember thinking it was truly a one fine day.

5. Greatest Hits, The Cure (2001) - naalala ko ang high school at early college days whenever I hear In Between Days, Friday I’m in Love and Boy’s Don’t Cry

6. Shooting Rubber Bands at the Stars, Edie Brickell & New Bohemians (1988) - Katipunan days. I shared this apartment in Katipunan with three other sisses. This was the time I was exposed to different genres of music everyday. One of them was studying ballet at the College of Music and her collection of albums were mostly classical. The other one was into alternative and rock while the last one was into pop music. I was the one who just listened to whatever was playing and learned to appreciate what I heard. Shooting Rubber Bands at the Stars was one of the alternative/rock sis’ collection. What I am and Circle are my top choices in that album.

7. My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997) - I first heard the album during the trip from Jakarta airport to Jatiluhur. One of my teammates already watched the movie before we left for the SEA Games and she liked it so much she bought a tape. It was the only album we listened to the entire trip and by the time we got to Jatiluhur I vowed to myself that as soon as we’re back in PHI I’ll watch the movie.

8. A Walk To Remember Soundtrack (2002) - This was another bus-ride song. Japan 2002. We were on our way to Kansai airport in Osaka from the Asian Championships held in Aioi City. It was the first soundtrack CD I bought because I fell in love with the songs especially Switchfoot’s Dare You To Move. I thought the men’s team would find the music cheesy but surprisingly, they ended up humming along with some of the songs. Hmmmm.

9. The Celts, Enya (1987) - My top pick among her albums. I always imagined myself transported to Ireland. I could almost sense and see those images that the songs hauntingly paint in my mind.

10. Chant, The Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos (1994) - soothing and mysterious at the same time

11. Sounds of Silence (1966) - 4th year high school English. We spent three hours “decoding” the song. I learned to appreciate the song better after that. Recently, I heard a hauntingly beautiful version while watching Watchmen and it’s been in my mind since.

12. The Sound of Music, Richard Rodgers & Oscar Hammerstein II (1959) - ang kulit ni Maria at ang cute nung mga bata. at siyempre crush ko si Captain Georg Von Trapp at muntik nang maiyak nung kinanta nya yung Edelweiss. (other fave songs in the track: The Sound of Music, My Favorite Things, Climb Ev’ry Mountain and Do-Re-Mi)

13. Les Miserables, West End version (1985) - Fantine’s I Dreamed a Dream, Young Cosette and Madame Thénardier’s Castle on a Cloud, Javer’s Stars, Beggars and the others’ Look Down, Valjean and the others’ One More Day, At the Barricade, Eponine’s On My Own, and A Little Fall of Rain are my absolute favorites until forever.

14. Josh Groban, (2001) - kasi natuwa ako sa Vincent at The Prayer nya

15. Jagged Little Pill, Alanis Morissette (1997) - because life is ironic
16. Vauxhall and I, Morrissey (1994) - because “The More YOu Ignore Me, the Closer I Get”.

17. Parachutes, Coldplay (2000) - dahil crush ko si Chris Martin at gustong gusto ko yung Yellow

18. The Best Of Juan Dela Cruz Band (1980) - napapakanta sa Himig Natin

19. UltraElectroMagneticPop!, Eraserheads (1993) - yung mga kantang una kong narinig sa Para Sa ‘Yo Bagong Isko concerts ay napapakinggan ko na sa mga radyo at telebisyon. the succeeding albums still reflected the character of the group at for that, they really made their mark in the local music scene.

20. The Beatles (1968) - blackbird singing in the dead of night…

21. Left of the Middle, Natalie Imbruglia (1997) – Torn lang ang kaya kong kantahin sa videoke, siguro dahil sa kapapakinig sa kanya, natutunan na rin ng vocal chords ko na aralin na kantahin siya.

22. Third Eye Blind (1997) - parang The Doors to sa kin. pang relax pag inis or kung type kong wala lang, makinig lang at wag mag-isip.

23. Crowded House (1986) - don’t dream it’s over when it’s clearly over was a relentless attack to an already crushed heart

24.My Girl (Koreanovela Soundtrack) - kahit di ko naiintindihan gustong gusto ko naririnig. Ganda kasi nung tv series. Dalawang beses kong pinanood to.

25. I Am Sam, Soundtrack (2002) - love the movie. brought the CD with me at The Hague. I came back, the CD didn’t. That was one of the other stuff I left, along with my heart, at The Hague.

I took a leaf from Mayee’s book and answered the “What Kind of Writer Are You” quiz in Facebook. The result says I’m the “Jack Kerouac kind”. Not sure what that meant, I immediately googled his name. Voracious reader as I am, I honestly can’t remember having spent sleepless nights devouring words from his books.

I found his list of thirty “essentials” interesting and for fun I checked out how close to being his kind can I ever get:

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for your own joy - check
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening - check
3. Try never get drunk outside your own house - work in progress
4. Be in love with your life - check
5. Something that you feel will find its own form - hmmmm, still thinking
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind - i think
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow - work in progress
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind - work in progress
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual - hmmmm not sure
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is - check
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest - needs pondering
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you - check
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition - uh-oh…will work it
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time - hmmmm
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog - check
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye - check
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yrself - check
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea - check
19. Accept loss forever - work in progress
20. Believe in the holy contour of life - check
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind - check
22. Don’t think of words when you stop but to see picture better - check
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning - work in progress
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge - work in progress
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it - not trying
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form - not sure
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness - check
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better - check
29. You’re a Genius all the time - the secret
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven - work in progress

Now, if only I could get a good serving of his talent I’d probably be writing to my heart’s content somewhere in the boondocks.

To have a malware steal one’s instant messaging account password is probably one of the most annoying things that could happen. What irritates me most about this experience is that feeling of being violated somehow. We’re talking about privacy here. It’s not a comforting feeling to discover, to know for a fact, that despite my best efforts to keep my account information secure, I’m still vulnerable to having my password stolen.

Now I have to make time to change ALL my passwords lest the others have been stolen too. And I cringe in embarrassment just to think about the people who must have received similar messages from me. Apart from the fact that whoever composed the message that SUPPOSEDLY came from me couldn’t even spell exercise correctly, it pains me to know that my interest for fitness/wellness make this fake message even look more real. Argh! As if I would advertise such things!

Experience like this make all the Internet-borne threats more real. And this is just a plain and simple manifestation of the many threats out there. I pity those who have to go through worse experiences than this.

This idea has been going around for ages. It still proves to be true. Things that happen repeatedly eventually loses its impact. Let’s use as an example a recurring disappointment or a wish that you keep hoping for. If the same things happen over and over and over again, they gradually begin not to matter.

It’s really like filling a glass with water. Once the glass fills up, all the water you keep pouring in it gets wasted.

The universe speaks in so many ways. I think now I’ve learned to finally see the futility of feeling something for things that don’t matter anymore. Sometimes, things just to have to happen over and over again.

I’m beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, there’s a limit to that human capacity to care.

a beautiful poem by Mitsuo Aida

Because it has lived its life intensely
the parched grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by,
The flowers merely flower,
and they do this as well as they can.

The white lily, blooming unseen in the valley,
Does not need to explain itself to anyone;
It lives merely for beauty.
Men, however, cannot accept that ‘merely’

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look completely ridiculous.
I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself look ridiculous?

You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,
it’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).

*English translation found on the Internet.

It’s that time of the year when it’s so cold that I feel I can barely function normally. January to February usually seems to be the coldest months. But I feel that it has been unusually colder these past weeks.

It’s not really that bad but it does make me feel that my body responds even slower than my sluggish brain. It doesn’t help that it’s always cold in the office. I have always been uncomfortable with the cold at work but now, I feel worse. I keep wondering if the machines are happy. They should be because someone is not exactly enjoying feeling like in deep freeze everyday.

I wonder if there’s any medicine that could make a person feel warmer in cold places. But then again, I think that wouldn’t be a good idea since it could be dangerous to strip a person of that capacity to feel discomfort and pain.

Since I know that this idiotic ranting is a complete waste of time and effort, I just have to find comfort from the fact that it’s already middle of January. I think I can survive a few more weeks of this cold.

Maybe I should start eating fresh durian again. I remember that the last time I ate it, I felt very warm inside after. My sister said durian has that effect. I would like to test if it works equally well for me when I’m in the office.

I’ll say it again, I’m not much of an elevator fan. I’ve even made an attempt to find humor from a list of annoying things one can do in it. But technically, I’m one of those people who would rather climb stairs than be stuck inside a small place where most times, personal space becomes a myth.

I’ve always been realistic enough to accept the fact that there’s always a chance I might get stuck in one. After all, it happens to a lot of people. Unfortunately, the probability of that happening to me is not that remote seeing that our office building seems to have recurring problems with the lifts.

However, since I don’t relish the idea of being trapped inside one, I haven’t given much thought about the possibility. It was therefore a shock and a discomforting experience to be stuck in one of the service elevators right after that big lunch with Badette, Reuben, and Christian.

Good thing there were many of us inside the elevator and that Maenard was there who immediately called Arvin of Admin to help us out. We were stuck in there for quite some time. And I couldn’t help but feel extremely grateful that I wasn’t alone otherwise I would have seriously freaked out.